‘Oh? How so?!’

Wait… is that a defensive look?

I drop my interpretation.
—‘Because the fire’s out,’ I say simply.

Michel’s eyes go wide. I look at Sven and see the same wide eyes. A wave of relaxation takes over the meeting space. Words don’t need to be spoken, but when they come, they talk of recognition. All three of us knew that we couldn’t keep going like this. Now, we’re going to listen to that knowing.

This is one of my best meetings ever.

Again, it’s the early metro for me. I ride home floating on a carpet weaved by calmness, possibility and purpose…
And I’m pissed off.
Really pissed off.
Pissed off with Steven, pissed off with my second ex-girlfriend, pissed off with my third and fourth ex-girlfriends, pissed off with my mum—and my dad…
And I’m going for a swim,
a long, hard swim.

Eighty lanes I swim, drawing conclusions non-stop. Then I puff out and know only one thing: no one dragged me along.

Part of me is pissed off with this other part of me, for all the times it said ‘yes’ and did ‘yes’ when it so clearly felt ‘No’.

I try to let this pissed-off part be.
I try to connect with the grieving part beneath the angry part.
And there it is, grieving about the umpteenth time that I pushed myself—and kept pushing myself—to do a ‘yes’ I didn’t feel.

Oh, and hello there, happy Easter bunny egg, standing beside rant and grief. Yes, of course, you’re here too because I’m going to start over for something I do feel a deep Yes for. It’s electric!

Oh, and hello, gratitude! Yes, of course, because what a learning curve, these last four years!

Economically speaking, Wovox should be called a failure. We saw and we came, but we didn’t conquer. Beyond the veil of money, however, I see success.

Wovox became an incubator for sparkling eyes. Intern eyes. Because that’s what we did as a startup: work with many interns.

At the beginning of their job interviews, most knew no better than to find an internship to make hours to get grades to get a degree. To make matters better, we gave them questions they had hardly, if ever been asked in their lives. 
‘What’s important to you?’
‘What makes you tick, really?’
‘What would you most like to do?’~
‘How could this internship help you with that?’

For some, the conversation became a relief; for others, it became a trigger of discomfort. If there was a mutual click and we decided to work together, we’d proceed to invite politically incorrect behaviour, asking interns to refrain from acting, see themselves as equals and know better than we do.

And the following tended to happen: shy little mice crawled out of their little holes, bent backs became straight, and dull eyes became shiny eyes. Seeing so-called newbies telling us where we were missing the mark and finding words for what they saw could be improved or turned around, was a joy.

Not everyone ended their time at Wovox with shining eyes. Sometimes, we didn’t gel, and a few times, we had to end an internship prematurely. And for some, an internship at Wovox became just that—an internship. But nearly everyone would at least say goodbye with a ‘Hey, so there are other ways of working together…’

So, notwithstanding all of the marks we kept missing, we came pretty close to our original vision: helping people find happiness in work. Some interns even told us that working at Wovox became a life-changing experience.

And then there’s Michel, Sven, and myself. Looking back at the wobbly little chicks we were four years ago, I now see three men who’ve unlearned and overcome a mountain of growing pains, thanks in no small part to Steven’s mentorship (plus the uninspiring companies we sailed with ☺︎).

And it’s time to move on.

Wovox is closed for business until further notice and is no longer my business. Michel and Sven are excited to focus on designing and building websites again; the Heartworkers project—although officially part of Wovox—will remain with me and the people at Hemels van der Hart.

On January 31st, we sign two divorce contracts. Mine goes straight into the bin. Because, I tell myself glowing, if we ever get into a fit about our break-up, this stupid piece of paper’s not going to save us.

I feel pretty cool thinking that way.
I feel pretty cool anyway.
Also towards Steven.

With the growing sense that I was fighting against my flow at Wovox, my questions about Steven also grew.

Is Steven genuinely doing what he feels called to do?

Is he truly following his intuition?

Does he genuinely feel alive in what he’s doing?

Several times, I asked him, but the closer I got to that sleepless night a couple of weeks ago, the more I found his answers contrived and devoid of life. More and more, I saw someone who didn’t show himself—didn’t dare to show himself.

Like me, I realise.

And leaving questions and coolness aside, it’s pretty simple. Four years ago, Steven and I experienced something that I innately felt; today, we no longer tread common ground.

Thank you, Steven, for all you’ve given me and for all I’ve been able to see and unlearn through you. Tonight we’re going to eat and celebrate together.

The next morning

I wake up feeling like a bucket overflowing with confidence. I’m the proud owner of an almost empty bank account, unsure about what’s coming—and that’s precisely the point. 

I’m going to do what I love.

The rest will come naturally.